The Other Shoe
I was lying in bed wide awake at 1 am this morning even though baby Jonas was sound asleep. I feel crazy for not taking advantage of this time and sleeping because it IS crazy. Truthfully, I can't sleep because I'm worried and have a million "what if" scenarios racing through my head. While this is not an uncommon occurrence for me, this time it's because I feel like the other shoe has finally dropped. For some reason I grew up thinking that I would have a hard time getting pregnant. That proved to be wrong. Because I have scoliosis, I thought my pregnancy would be super difficult. But it was fairly easy. I could keep going. However, I feel like my luck has finally run out because after a few days of baby wearing, my back is killing me. This makes me sad. Sad because I knew I should be careful but I did it anyway. Sad because I'm in pain and can't sleep. Sad because I wish I could do normal things like wear my son without having to worry about the physical repercussions. To use a Brene Brown term, I'm currently rumbling with this reality. I know many others and some of you have other physical and mental issues you deal with. I understand that no one is perfect. That doesn't mean that I'm still not sad, angry and worried.
Why anger? I'm processing this emotion especially because I believe it applies directly to my current journey of discovering my true passions and living whole heartedly. This physical setback is reminding me of thoughts I've had running through my head since I was young. "Yeah, that will work for her but not for you." "He gets that opportunity, but you don't." "Other people get to go through life without worrying about what will tweak their back, but you have to worry about that." Realizing that I have a constant inner dialogue telling myself that others get to receive goodness, but I don't really sucks. Not only does it suck, but it's not true.
I realize now, I've taken the safe route in life because I've told myself that other people are lucky and get to live their dream life, but not me. Because I've believed that, I haven't even tried to discover what I'm truly passionate about. Why would I bother if I'm not one of the lucky ones?
I realize now that I constantly worry because I believe that something will go wrong. I worry because if I can try and mitigate the damage, it will be less severe. Not only is this a lie, but it's also living from an extremely pessimistic mentality! I've never considered myself a pessimist but I realize now that I am.
These realities suck. I was awake at 1 am rumbling with them. That sucks. But I want to move forward from this because I AM someone who good things happen to. Yes, I have setbacks like everybody else but I also have wins! I'm not destined to live my life unlucky. I am allowed to discover myself and live from my passions. I'm telling the voice who has always told me otherwise, to shut up. I'm blessed. I'm full of goodness. The glass is half full. Worrying changes nothing. And the other shoe has not dropped.